I recently wrote about
being a parent who is slow to get angry with their children. A mother of four who read the
article
wrote me an email agreeing with everything I’d written but asking that essential
question:
How? Practically speaking, how
do I become a slowly angered parent? Her question is one that many of us have asked. We see the beauty of grace contrasted with the ugliness that yet lingers within us and we find our hearts asking those questions.
How do I change? How do I grow? How do I more and more become a parent who is slow
to anger and abounding in love?
I can only attempt to
answer these questions as someone who is en route, who is but halfway there, who
yet knows much failure even amid much grace. These thoughts emerge from
the heart of a mother who hasn’t arrived but who is still travelling. What follows are not theoretical or from the past, but are
intensely fresh, personal, present, and real.
As parents, before we
can change what we do, we often need
to first change how we think. At
first glance, identifying thought patterns might seem purely theoretical and
not of much practical help. But if what
we do is often the overflow of how we think,
perhaps that’s a good place to begin.
1. Realize that the
times when we, as parents, are easily angered are often moments ripe with
opportunity to teach our children.
The moments when we
are naturally angered are often those times when we can teach our children
about life, about sin, about grace. Conflict is a part of life in sin filled,
broken world. For our children’s entire lives, whether that be in two years
when they’re six or in thirty years when they’re parents themselves, they’re going
to be dealing with conflict. Often in those moments when we’re easily angered,
our instinct is to get things back to a state of peace and quiet as speedily
and effortlessly as possible. The children are whining or fighting so we
angrily snarl, Enough. Stop it right
now! I don’t want to hear it! What a waste of an opportunity. We ought to
be willing to take the time to patiently talk, listen, and teach. In our haste
to get back to peace, we often want to skip the most important part: their heart.
2. Realize that angry
parenting is often deeply selfish.
In our worst parenting
moments, think of the words that so often escape our lips. I’m so sick of this. I’m sick and tired of
you guys fighting. I don’t want to hear one more whining word. I’ve had it up
to here! What’s striking about all these phrases (and maybe even as you
read them you heard your own voice) is that they’re all about me. They’re selfish. They’re phrases that
give us a glimpse of our heart—our anger is about us and how their behavior is disrupting our life.
But parenting isn’t about us being sick of whining or fighting, is it? Ultimately parenting isn’t about us
at all. It’s about our children. It’s about putting ourselves aside to love and
nurture and teach and guide them. A quickly angered mother is a selfish mother.
I’m angry because the peace and quiet of
MY car ride or MY home is being disrupted. It can be helpful to realize
afresh the intrinsically selfish quality of the easily angered parent and to
then remember that grace-filled parenting is about caring more about others
than ourselves.
3. Realize that being
easily angered is less about lack of control and more about lack of desire.
The picture underneath is one that has circulated on Facebook.
(photo credit: Message with a Bottle Facebook Page)
This resonates, doesn’t
it? It’s meant to be humorous, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with
smiling and seeing the lighter side of an experience that many of us share. It’s good to
remember that we shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously. But within the humour of this picture, there’s a
deeper reality at play: in public, whether that be at the playground with friends
or at church on a Sunday morning, when our kids do stuff that makes us mad, we
often handle it differently (better, and with more grace!) than if we were at
home by ourselves. We’re more patient, aren’t we? More gentle. More kind. More
tempered. In other words, we’re better parents. We really do have the self control in the moments of frustration. We really do have the capacity to respond the way
we should. When I’m at home, quiet, private, unnoticed by others, it’s not that
I lack the control to do what’s right, it’s that I lack the desire.
There’s a sadness in this,
isn’t there? It’s sad because, truly, when we think about it, we care way more
about what our children see, hear, and think about their mother than we do about
what strangers at the park or friends at church think about us. More than that,
we care way more about what God thinks about us, too. And yet so often our
actions would indicate otherwise. It can be helpful to remember that how we
respond really is a choice, and that the people who matter most (our children,
our Father) see our parenting all the time.
4. Realize that
becoming a slow-to-anger parent is often about reprogramming the muscle memory
of the heart.
Much of our time in
parenthood is spent reacting to
things our children do, and we all have patterns
of reaction in our lives. When we reflect upon how we habitually react in
moments of frustration, we’re able to discern our own pattern of reaction. For
many who are quickly angered, the muscle memory of the heart is to react in
anger instead of to react in grace. When we find ourselves habitually reacting
in anger instead of reacting in grace, it means we need to repent and then form
new heart habits. Eventually, with time and with much grace, we create a new
rhythm that changes the muscle memory of our heart.
1. Prepare in advance.
In the morning, before the day begins to unfold and certainly before it begins
to unravel, anticipate that your children will occasionally do frustrating
things that annoy you and get under your skin, and then prepare in advance to
react with grace instead of in anger. Plan this! Think about it, know it’s
coming, and then plan to respond in grace. Each day our children are going to
do many things that are funny and lovely and wonderful and that bring us joy
and make us laugh. But with just as much certainty, our kids are going to do
things that irritate and anger us. Why does it seem to catch us unprepared so
that all we’re doing is reacting? Before
the moments come, spend time praying and preparing your heart to react in
grace. We don’t just want to go through parenthood reacting. We want to be
proactively changing.
2. Reflect at the end
of the day.
When it’s been a good, joy-filled day with your children, take a
few moments to reflect upon why things went well and why you reacted in grace
instead of anger. And similarly, when it’s been a difficult day and you’ve been
angry and sinful, take a few minutes to reflect upon why
it was a rough day. You might be surprised at the clarity of patterns and
themes that emerge with this little exercise. One mark of mature, sanctified
Christians is that they are often people who can identify those things which
cause them to stumble, and also those things which help them soar.
3. Get enough sleep.
This doesn’t apply to everyone, but for many, many mothers that I’ve talked with,
it holds true that lack of sleep leads to lack of grace in our interaction with
our children. When we’re tired, we’re irritable. And when we’re irritable, we
are prone to becoming quickly angered instead of patient and gracious. Granted,
there are some seasons where sufficient rest is impossible. But in the many other
times when staying up too late is a choice, we
ought to remember that it’s the people who matter to us most who will be on the
receiving end of our tired, angry responses.
4. Avoid rushing.
When
we’re rushing somewhere with our children, when we’re running late, when we
haven’t allotted enough time, it can very easily lead to frustrated, angry, impatient
words. It doesn’t take being a parent for very long to realize that, with young children,
the simplest things can take way longer than we ever thought possible. It’s
just the way it is. In my own reflection on life with my little ones, a
simple but helpful detail in how my heart and our family functions has been to
become more organized and, along with this, to ensure that we have ample time
to do whatever it is we need to do. Of course this isn’t always possible and
there are many disclaimers that I’m sure come to mind. But when it’s within our
power to do so, avoiding rushing is a simple yet helpful little tool to employ.
Why We Have Tremendous Hope
Parenting is such a journey, isn’t it? There are days when it seems like God’s grace pours into us and out of us into our children. There’s laughter. There’s joy. There’s good stuff happening in our home and we’re filled with hope and excitement for the days ahead. Then there are other days... Days where it seems like anger and tears have been the theme. But even during hard times, we have every reason to have tremendous hope. We're not alone. Truly, in our failures and in our joys alike, we're not doing this parenting thing alone. We live our lives beneath the shadow of His wings, and even as we parent our little ones, we’re being parented by a Father who loves us, is with us, and is helping us every step along the way.
